I had thought this might be the month when things turn around, but no. I've finally reached the "depression" phase of dealing with crap. I'm fighting it, and doing things I don't particularly feel like doing, like leaving the house, just because I'm afraid that if I don't, it will be the first step down the slippery slope to spending days on end in sweats or pajamas and not showering until Neale makes me. It would just be really nice if one thing I start would not turn to shit. Just one.

I'm not sorry to have lost the job. It had gotten to the point where the only things that made me happy about going to work anymore were the times when kids asked me to sit with them while they did a work, and I was actually able to take them up on it. That, and the random hugs, those are awesome. But in general, I was incredibly frustrated by decisions that made no sense to me, and basic philosophical differences. Neale has called me a disciple of Jamie Oliver, but that's not true. If I'm a disciple of anybody, it's Barbara Kingsolver, she was championing the local/slow food movement first. So the hot lunch as "whatever cheap frozen or canned crap we can find at Wal-Mart" was pretty much anathema to me. Half the time the "vegetarian" option had to be fixed, because often the labels weren't read. Ranch-style beans, besides being disgusting, contain rendered beef fat, just fyi.

But I'm incredibly frustrated by the job search. I've filled out about 4 online applications, and sent out a dozen resumes. The places I want to work, with one exception, aren't hiring, and the places that are hiring......well, you know how people complain teachers don't get paid enough? I would have been making at least $4,000 more if I had been working in a public school, and the jobs I've been offered would have involved a pay cut between 10% and 30%, and I doubt some of them include benefits. The worst part? I was offered my ideal job, for a fantastic salary, the only drawback being the lack of insurance, and the offer was withdrawn, I don't know why.

The summer off? Pretty much ruined. So far, I've spent the past two weeks looking for a job, doing homework for an Arkansas history class, in hopes that it will help me get a job, and doing yard work/cleaning house. The yard work and house cleaning are the only things that were on the original agenda. So far, all the garb I bought patterns and supplies for? Barely started. The sweater I bought the yarn and needles for? Sitting in my yarn tubbie.

I probably should go back on the pill, but I won't. After 8 months, I refuse to. Damn it, after everything that's happened, after the accident, and the surgery, and the job, I'm not going to prevent the one thing that I would absolutely put up with all this crap for. That's also a major factor in the job I'm seriously considering, of all the ones I know I have a shot at. I don't want to say anything yet, because that will surely jinx it. It's not quite what I want, but it's still working with kids, has the potential to be very rewarding, has decent benefits, and I'm fairly sure the maternity policy, if I happen to get pregnant in the next few months (I'm hoping) is unlikely to be "FMLA applies after a year." It's interesting what you find out when businesses post their employee handbooks online. I assume the unwritten part of that is "don't get pregnant until you've been here a year," which is like saying "don't get sick," or "don't let your grandma die until you've been here x amount of time." All of that is absurd, because let's face it, life happens. The fact that companies seem to think they don't have to accommodate the fact that their employees have lives astounds me.

I would think that the SCA might, at least, be somewhat of a refuge from everything going to shit, but no. Yesterday was supposed to be a joint A&S day for the Barony and Southtower, but that failed miserably. It was a nice day, there was a pretty decent turnout, but the great unifying day it was not. It was just like the previous Southtower A&S days, except there was a slightly lower turnout. There were 4 people from the Barony proper. I give up. I quit. I refuse to clear weekends to host stuff for people to avoid. I guess the only people who want to show up for anything are the fighters. Yeah, Birthday Bash was this weekend, but I know there are plenty of people who stayed home. I know the Baron and Baroness couldn't come because they're dealing with life issues right now, but I'm not getting any support from anyone else. Nobody from my household showed up, none of the officers showed up, the seneschal didn't show up. I quit.